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An affair could be a catalyst for change,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
Affairs are blunt knives causing wounds that are never neat and leave ugly scars. They're never one person's fault. Should you chose to marry a glad eye, and expected 'I do' or 'I won't do it again' to stay with no serious talk or challenge you had been requesting an excessive amount of.
My pal who works like a therapist says people show you who they are in the word go. It's like slalom jumping without any practice. Great while you're up in the air, however the ground is originating solid. Bones and hearts break.
I have never yet met anybody who had an affair, or whose partner had an affair,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], where the relationship was happy. I have only met couples where one is pretending the person that they love is not the way they're. I had a boyfriend who persuaded me to go by helping cover their him. I used to be unsure because the Wild Rover was discussed him. But little voice in my head said: "You can change him."
His wife changed him by saying: "Anything you can do I can fare better,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]." They're still my buddies and now and then it comes down up the way they were on the train and that he got a phone call,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. She knew it had been some floozy. So she got off and caught the train back to Dublin and had a mad fling,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. Six months later my ex was hers for life,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
The 'challenge' strategy changes if you have children. The only couple I know who survived an affair and who've had children, took a shared responsibility approach. She did it,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], he realised why. He was pretty busy at work. She was always on her own with the children. She got lonely. He didn't realise just how much. He forgot she existed. She forgot he cared. She got involved with someone in what she now sees as a moment of madness.
She's without doubt if the shoe was alternatively foot she wouldn't have been so forgiving. "No one really wants to be cheated on. But he knew,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I understand this sounds crazy,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], just how much I loved him. He knew I wouldn't did anything if I felt he still loved me. I figured the kids had changed us forever. In fact I was sure we'd separate anyway,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], we've got on badly. The affair saved our marriage. Not that it felt like that at that time."
5 years later there is a better work-life balance,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. She hung onto her husband by coming clean. I understand she thinks men would do exactly the same when they thought women could take it,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
One friend whose husband had a long affair explained that for her the worst thing was the public humiliation. "But after he left,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych],[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I realised I hadn't loved him for years. He'd acted on it. I don't think I'd ever have been honest enough to manage it whether it hadn't been shoved in my face."
One of my friends delays for her husband's affair to be over. She thinks it'll end naturally. Maybe she's right. Her decision not to confront him is dependant on their two children along with a anxiety about losing him. In her own case the affair is not cleansing,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], it's soul destroying. She accepts he never told her he'd change once they married. "I knew what he was like,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], now I must deal with it,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], or leave."